Updated: Oct 4, 2020
What it means being a mother to me, has changed profoundly with each child I have had. With each year that has passed, each birthday I have stood and sang, candle lit cake in hand, remembering those seemingly hazy days of skin to skin, of newborn bliss, of tiny hands and feet....then come those feelings, those sharp memories, the tears as I breastfed in pain, the long days I endured a toddlers strife with lack of sleep. The dreams....all those dreams for this tiny being I have had, that have somehow fallen by the wayside, the world I wanted to show my child, only to have blinked and a decade has fleetingly passed by.
Then there is the joy, the overwhelming sweet joy which fills me up with so much love, the infectious laughter of my children, imprinted on my soul forever, their smiles, their kisses, their love....them. Every bit of them perfect despite my own feelings of failure, extreme pride that I can be so blessed and that despite an abusive marriage...and a period of being a single parent before marrying my now husband with whom I share my youngest daughter, my children are happy, loving, wonderful human beings.
Motherhood to me is all these emotions, my journey this time into motherhood has been a completely different experience to that of my older two children, and already filled with so many bittersweet moments as I realise how much my previous marriage took me away from my children. Being able to sit and smell the roses, time I relish and treasure. Not knowing where I end and my children begin, being defined by motherhood, I don’t mind one bit, for motherhood once you are a mother extends beyond childhood years. Your children will always be your children, no matter what their age .Sometimes these feelings are so overwhelming I feel like I could burst, and in moments like that I have learnt to let them wash over me and flow through me, and I feel nothing but gratitude for my life, its ups and downs, its victories and its paths which were once so strong but have....somewhere along the way lost their definition and the journey I am so strongly now forging as I move forward into what feels like a new season of my life.
Being a mother is an inherently and vastly different experience for every woman, with every child, our ideals, our homes, our family dynamics our choices in life and parenting are all shaped by our own experiences, the experiences of our mothers, our grandmothers. The very best we can do as mothers is to be reflective, to support one another in a shared experiece, this is motherhood.
The path of reaching out, of learning, of friendships forged, of inner work, of collective wisdom has most definitely, over the years I have been a mother changed vastly. For starters the online world then was nothing like it is now and I have found the most amazing women and made the most amazing friendships through the world of social media, and for most of us in the community, motherhood - contributing to that shared wisdom, sharing our days, is why we are here.
I joined Instagram after the birth of my third child to share my days, my love of my children and maybe some content which would inspire others. It has already been such an amazing journey! This section of my blog I wanted to share, in my past experiences, the tears, the laughter, the struggles and triumphs, my life beyond the squares of Instagram in the hope that I can add my own drop of wisdom, of reassurance, of reality, to the ocean. This blog will follow my journey, in motherhood - into the teenage years, through my education and work in Waldorf Education and Anthroposophy and my life as it unfolds.
I thank you for taking time to read this post, and I hope that should you decide to come along for the journey you will find some little beacons of light to help guide you in yours.